Well...the good news is that I can independently do all of the things for the triathlon on Saturday. The other good news - I looked at the website and the bike race is only 11 miles long, not 13.
The bad news. It's supposed to be 95 degrees on Saturday.
It turns out that there is quite a lot of advice online for how to survive your first triathlon. I've been selectively ignoring some of it. "You should know how to swim" (Ignored) "Don't ever do a triathlon on a mountain bike." (Ignored) "Eat 4-6 meals per day, at least 50% of which should be carbs" (DONE!)
Best advice found here: "Try not to die."